The Lost Month

As many people know, 2011 has not been a kind year.  We had many losses, chief among them my father-in-law, Dan.  Dan, was diagnosed with cancer around January of this year.  He passed away on June 30th, not even six months after his diagnosis.

During his illness, we drove down to help out as much as we could.  My husband would spend a week and telecommute while I held down things at home.  Sometimes I would spend a week while he was at home.  We rotated the majority of our visits.

The service was in mid-July.  We wanted time to arrange something nice.  The weekend after the service was our daughter's wedding. Life didn't start approaching what I would call a normal schedule until the beginning of August.  That was when we started preparing the kids for the new school year.

August was flying by pretty fast.  I had started trying to eat mostly gluten-free and vegan.  I was also getting ready for my very first 5K. I felt great! Then around the end of August, I started having trouble breathing.  It was only around bed time and I knew it was anxiety.

I have dealt with anxiety before.  It generally lasts about a week.  I re-filled my Ativan but they didn't work.  So I went to the doctor.  She gave me a prescription for generic Zoloft and Klonipin.  The Klonipin wasn't working and my breathlessness now lasted all day long.  The Zoloft, after about five days, turned me into an angry, raging, and still non-breathing monster.  I discontinued the Zoloft.

Not being able to breathe was literally the only thing I could focus on.  I would get up in the morning  wondering if maybe today would be the day I was able to breathe.  Within a few hours or sooner, it became apparent it was going to become another day of feeling like I was gasping for breath.

Driving was a nightmare.  I was sure when I was driving through a parking lot, somebody was going to back into me.  When I was driving on the freeway, I knew somebody was going to pull into my lane.  My depth perception felt skewed.  Unless I absolutely had to go somewhere, I didn't drive.


We were also planning a vacation at the end of September.  Since we hadn't vacationed during the summer, we needed the break.   I was looking forward to getting away and hopefully relaxing.



My mind wouldn't stop racing.  I had so many things to do.  I was losing hours.  I would look at the clock and it would be 8:30 am.  I would look up a bit later and it would be 11:00 am.  A simple trip to the grocery store seemed to take hours. The only thing racing seemed to be my thoughts. My body certainly wasn't getting anything done!  I knew what chores I needed to do but the information wasn't traveling from my brain to my body.  Not only were important things going undone, I was suffering from a bad case of CRS.  (can't remember $hit)  I mixed up our vacation days and did the paperwork for a week's worth of independent study for my daughter.  Then I had to apologize to the school because I had given them the wrong dates.

My mother-in-law came up early and helped me get ready for Tahoe.  This is a good thing since I couldn't get anything done. The only thing I seemed capable of doing was searching the internet for ways to breathe, none of which worked, and talking out loud to myself A LOT.

I hoped to be able to breathe by our vacation.  I didn't get my wish.  Things got worse.  The doctor prescribed Xanax the day before we left.  I also was told to make an appointment with a counselor who takes my insurance.  She couldn't get me in until October, which is pretty common with an HMO.

The vacation was okay, but the Xanax didn't work either.  One morning I desperately took a whole day's dose, hoping to get some relief.  It didn't work but I did have a very long nap later.  My husband and I argued more than a few times, mostly because I would forget conversations we had.  In fact, I had conversations with friends during that month that I can't remember.

After we came home, things became worse.  I know it's not politically correct to say this, but I went nuts.  I was  manic.  My arms were twitching.  I couldn't sit still.  I had insomnia.  Our bed felt like a stone slab. One day my car battery was dead and I needed to borrow my husband's Jeep to go to the store.  It is a stick shift.  I forgot how to back it out of the garage.  I was petrified to try to back it out of the garage.  I was convinced I would hit something.

My doctor had called in a Paxil prescription.  The generic makes me depressed so I needed to pick up the name brand.  The pharmacy didn't have any in stock so I purchased an herb called 5-HTP.  I started on that, some B-complex, and some vitamin D.  Within five days, I was starting to feel a bit better - still off but better.

I started receiving acupuncture from a friend.  I still am.  It is helping a lot.

My therapist suggested something called tapping.  It helps sometimes.


It is still hard to visit with friends.  I always second guess myself after the conversation and wonder if I said something offensive.  Perhaps I am saying offensive stuff.  I go between being Eeyore-like about the economy to flat out angry and wanting to throw politicians off cliffs.

I am definitely depressed.  The breathing issue comes and goes.  Slowly, I am digging out and things will get better.  I know they will.  However, I'm not sure I will be myself for a few more months, maybe longer.   I don't like myself very much.  Here is hoping my friends and family aren't feeling the same and here is to feeling like myself again soon.

My Couch

I have a couch on my porch and yes I am aware that gives me instant redneck status.  Originally I was going to put the couch in my house but it brings me more pleasure sitting outside.

My friend gave me the couch.  She mentioned she had put her old couch on a yard sale and I mentioned that I would have purchased it since our couches are ratty.  She said if it didn't sell that day it was mine.  That is how the couch came into my life.

I couldn't remember what the couch looked like due to my less than keen observational skills.  The husband and I went and picked it up on a Sunday.  It is gray and kind of homely with a few rips and a faded cushion.  But our couches at home are no beauty queens either.  We loaded it up and took it home.  Then we unloaded it as far as the porch.  My husband said it didn't match our love seat so he wasn't going to replace our old couch with it.  He also said the next couch he was getting was going to be brand new and he was going to be the first one whose ass sat on it.

Miss Kitty immediately gravitated to the couch.  Her eyes lit up.  "For me?" her little face asked.  Unfortunately Miss Kitty passed away the next day but I know she thought we brought home that couch JUST FOR HER. In any case, she had claimed it.

I cleared a space in our catch all room for the couch.  The catch all room is a room next to my kitchen that most people might use for a dining room or second living room.  But we are full to the rafters.  So the catch all room contains my computer and desk, my treadmill, an armoire, filing cabinets, a monstrous, teetering pile of home school stuff, and other various crap I can't manage to cram in our overflowing closets.  Sounds lovely, huh? Anyway I cleared a spot for the couch but before we got around to moving it in the house, the clutter had encroached on my spot.  The clutter has babies, people!  Some day I'm setting up a hidden camera to prove my theory!

My husband started making noises about taking it to the dump.  My son cried, "Nooooooooo!"  It seems he shares my "don't throw anything away" genes.

Our summer went by quickly while the couch waited patiently on the porch.  At the end of summer, I finally had my husband turn it around since it was facing the wrong way.  I draped it with a sheet and sat on it and Oh My!  It was so comfortable it was like being cuddled in your mama's arms.  There I was on a soft couch, looking out at our beautiful view.  It was quiet and peaceful and amazing.  The couch had been waiting all this time to show me what I was missing out on.

Our house has been full to the brim for a while with kids, cats and clutter.  With the exception of the clutter, I enjoy it most of the time.  But sometimes I want to get away from the noise just for a little bit.  The solution to that had literally fallen in my lap. Actually I had fallen on its lap.

Now the couch is my place of serenity.  I will take out a book and some tea and if the kids come out, I might let them stay or I might tell them I need to be alone in my peaceful place.  I love my kids and do a lot for them so sometimes it is nice to be a bit selfish and take the time to recharge.  Then I can put on my cape, okay it's really an apron, and go back to work.

So yes I adore my old, sheet-draped couch on my front porch.  Come on by and sit on it and I think you would too.

First Day of Third Grade - Homeschool Style

My friend Lael recently wrote about a day in her life and asked her blog readers to share.  I never got around to it and I also have to confess that by "recently" I mean a good month ago or longer.  So better late than never, right?

Since my summer days had no schedule to them, I wanted to share a typical day during the school year.    Today was the first day of school for both of my younger children.  My daughter went off to her public middle school and my son stayed home to attend an exclusive private school taught by moi.  Ha ha.

In a rare fit of organization last night, I prepared for both children's days.  My daughter Allison had paperwork to be filled out, lunch to be packed and clothes to be readied.  My son Sean just needed a schedule written down and supplies laid out.

The morning was a cinch.  I had already mixed Allison's tuna and packed a salad, dressing and blueberries.  The only thing I had to do was assemble her sandwich and throw it in her lunch box with a water bottle and her pre-packed side dishes.    Then I drove her to school at 7:30.

When I came home, Sean was still sleeping.    I am fortunate that my husband often telecommutes so I was able to run to the bank, put in some money and grab some groceries.  On the way home I saw a sign for the Wednesday Farmer's Market and an idea for later was born.

I was home from the grocery store at 8:20.  Sean was still asleep.  No problem.  I made a spinach smoothie, hoping the blender would wake him up.  It didn't.  My highly optimistic schedule had called for a 20 minute walk at 8:30. But this wasn't a huge problem as it is homeschool and we can be flexible.

Finally at 8:40 Mr. Lazypants got out of bed.  He didn't want a walk quite yet and I couldn't blame him.  The first thing I want when I wake up is to well, wake up!  I cooked his breakfast and we started school at nine.

The first lesson of the day was art.  The boy had no schedule all summer so we were not jumping into the murky waters of math right away.  I had found a little ceramic car piggy bank at the dollar store.  I dug out some better paint brushes and some tempura paints as the ones in the package were laughable.  I'm no Bob Ross but I think a paintbrush should have a nice point on the end of it for detailed painting.  It should not look like one of those old style frustration pencils with the crazy hair on top you spin around.  Does anybody else remember those?

Art was met with enthusiasm.  I was able to do my hair and make-up while he painted.  Why yes, I did go to the grocery store earlier with scary hair and naked face.  But it's okay to do that as long as it's before nine in the morning.  At least that is my theory.

Art was finished and I implemented my new idea.  We grabbed ten dollars and went to the farmer's market for a math lesson.  First we went to different stalls and wrote down the prices of the items we wanted.  There were cherry tomatoes, blackberries, pluots and onions.   Cherry tomatoes were 3.00 a basket.  Blackberries were 3.00 for a small basket or 8.00 for three baskets.  Ouch!  Pluots were 2.00 a pound and onions were 2.00 a pound.

Our lesson started.  Sean decided pluots were a definite yes.  I grabbed what I thought was a pound worth but it was a pound and a half so we rounded up to two pounds.  I had him tell me what 2 x 2 was and then we subtracted that from the ten dollars.  I then asked him if we had enough to get the big basket of blackberries.  He said no, since we were down to six dollars, so we went ahead and got a little basket of blackberries.  I had him subtract again and we were already down to three dollars.  Then I asked if there was anything on the list  that was exactly three dollars and he pointed out the cherry tomatoes.  That finished our shopping.  I didn't get my onions so I also thought it was a great lesson on not being able to afford everything you wanted.  In addition, it is a sneaky way to get him to eat his fruits and vegetables.

We came home and had a five minute pluot break and then took our walk.  It was a 25 minute walk.  We grabbed some rocks to identify later in science and some pine cones for arts and crafts.  Toward the end of the walk we brainstormed for his next lesson, which was the standard "something I did this summer" paragraph.

When we walked in the door we sat down and he dictated his paragraph to me.  I then gave it to him to write in his special book while I started some laundry.  He stayed on task, which is really a challenge for him.  I quickly made a paper that is titled "Sean's Staying on Task Chart" and gave him a star.

Eleven o' clock had already rolled around and we took 35 minutes for lunch.  He had tuna, gluten-free crackers and tomatoes.  I had tuna, tortilla chips and blueberries.

After lunch he finished his paragraph and we started a story.  We talked about setting and main characters.  Then we looked up his spelling words from the story and went over the definitions.  The timer went off.  We work in twenty minute increments and then break for ten minutes throughout the day.  It is very obvious when his twenty minutes are up as he loses focus.

After the break we finished talking about his spelling words and began some review multiplication.  I tried to get him to finish his whole multiplication paper but he couldn't go over twenty minutes again.  So he finished his paper after another ten minute break.

Wow, it was already almost one and time to get my daughter from school.  Her school releases students an hour early on Wednesdays.  I pick her up near the library so I dropped off some books before she showed up.  Then I saw a friend and talked to her while waiting.  It is always good to see a friend.

We were home by 1:20 and I took some down time until almost three.  I zoned out on the computer, talked to my mother-in-law on the phone and had a cup of green tea. 

After three  I vacuumed our area rug,  swept and mopped the kitchen, dining room, living room and entryway floors.  I started some chicken in a marinade for dinner and I did more laundry.  You would think my house was clean.  You would be wrong.  Four people messing and one person cleaning means constant clutter.

I also answered a few e-mails regarding various homeschool get-togethers, helped my daughter find a sharpie by yelling instructions on where to look and also found her some packing tape.  She needed duct tape but we were out.  My husband is in charge of duct tape.  Him letting us run out of duct tape is like me letting us run out of toilet paper - unthinkable.  Since he has been working sixty hour weeks, I am willing to let it slide...this time.

After the floors were mopped, I started rice in the cooker, then chopped and cooked chicken and vegetables for a stir-fry.  After dinner I cleaned the front bathroom and scooped the cat box.  Not all my days are this busy but my mother in law is coming to visit and I would like the house to look a bit less chaotic.

Last but not least, I loaded and started the dishwasher and made some krispy treats.  It is now almost seven and I am ready to sit on my butt for the rest of the day thank you very much...except there is that load of towels that needs to go in the dryer...